Single...With Children: ADD: It Isn't Just For Kids

Single with Children: Sometimes, parents develop ADD By Susie Parker Opinion Publication Date: 02/13/02 Everyone with a child has heard the initials "ADD" tossed around, and, every now and then, most parents feel their offspring might have, at the very least, a slight case of Attention Deficit Disorder because it seems that what we tell our children goes in one ear and right out the other. There's even controversy as to whether the diagnosis is made in haste and whether some students are taking unnecessary medication for a syndrome they don't truly have. This past weekend, I was multi-tasking. I had to be at my office for four hours on Saturday afternoon. I had dry cleaning that needed to be picked up. I had long overdue business phone calls to return. You know the kind of day, where everything has to be done either immediately or yesterday. I got most of the things on my "to do" list accomplished and felt pretty pleased by the time I got home from work; however, it would seem that in the midst of trying to tie up loose ends, I unwittingly developed "ADD" and allowed something to fall through the cracks. I failed to pay attention to a developing issue with my daughter. Apparently Katie had tried several times to discuss with me her idea of attending a university closer to home. She wanted me to listen and be her sounding board. I talked to her several times from work that Saturday, and I saw her that evening, briefly. I even ran into her on Sunday at the bookstore, having a cappuccino with her best friend. Everything seemed fine on the surface. She's a busy senior, dating a wonderful young man and is usually either coming or going someplace. I got most of the things on my "to do" list accomplished and felt pretty pleased by the time I got home from work; however, it would seem that in the midst of trying to tie up loose ends, I unwittingly developed "ADD" and allowed something to fall through the cracks. I failed to pay attention to a developing issue with my daughter. Apparently Katie had tried several times to discuss with me her idea of attending a university closer to home. She wanted me to listen and be her sounding board. I talked to her several times from work that Saturday, and I saw her that evening, briefly. I even ran into her on Sunday at the bookstore, having a cappuccino with her best friend. Everything seemed fine on the surface. She's a busy senior, dating a wonderful young man and is usually either coming or going someplace. I had assumed that the choice of where she would go to school had been settled. I was under the impression that her mind was fully made up. I was, of course, wrong. She had decided to apply to a school closer to home, closer to her friends, her boyfriend included, and she needed to discuss this decision with a mother who wasn't multi-tasking all over the place and who was attending to the serious business of doing nothing more complicated than merely paying attention. I dropped the ball. At first, she didn't let me know of my failure. But her attitude certainly reflected we had a chasm between us because she wasn't her normal self. She was very quiet. She looked as if someone had hurt her feelings and, in fact, someone had. Someone who should have known better. On Monday, I got the silent treatment or, at best, a few polite exchanges. After I came home from work on Tuesday, she was in the kitchen, and we were alone in the house (a rarity in and of itself). I had been bothered by her change in behavior and it seemed like a good time to talk about it. I offered to fix some lunch and she agreed. While we were eating, the mistake I had made became obvious. I asked her why she didn't call me on my cell phone. Her reply was that this wasn't a cell phone kind of conversation. When I realized the depth to which she felt this slight, I apologized and told her I had apparently suffered a temporary case of parental ADD. As is usual with Katie, she was most forgiving and understanding, now that our collective cards were on the table. We talked at length about her academic decision, weighing the pros and cons, and after about half an hour, over decaf and soup, we had made real progress. We both felt relieved to have deflated the tension between us. We mused on how busy our lives have become but also how much more important it was to sometimes really connect, even when life is pulling us in different directions. I was reminded that simply because she is 18, a senior, and for all intents and purposes, an adult, she is still my daughter and still has needs that only I can truly fulfill. I must admit it's nice to be needed, because there are days that I feel about as important as a doorman watching people come and go. I was reminded that I still serve other, important functions and that sometimes, my presence cannot be substituted or delayed. I still marvel at how fast they grow up, how soon they become independent and how fast time marches on, but I learned this past weekend that I am still a required and necessary entity with more to contribute than the usual "clean your room!" or "clean out the cat litter box!" As you might imagine, I intend to pay much closer attention even when, on the surface, things look as if they're rocking along just fine. Thank you, Katie, for another lesson. Readers can e-mail Susie Parker at Susiewrites@gmail.com or write to her c/o Amarillo Globe-News, Features Dept., P.O. Box 2091, Amarillo, TX 79166. Click here to return to story: http://amarillo.com/stories/021302/fri_fn021302-57.shtml © The Amarillo Globe-News Online