...These Are The Days Of Our Lives

I've been busy in a kind of "time warp" situation. I've started blog entries at least twenty times and then something has happened and scrambled my brain to the point I haven't been sure if I'm believing what I'm seeing or seeing what I'm believing. Sound confusing? Welcome to my world.

The past few days I've been doing my 24/7 care-giving gig to both of my parents and then retreating during "quiet" moments up to my room where I have been intensely engaged in about twenty different "words with friends" games while streaming "The Andy Griffith Show" on Netflix and trying my level best to forget what I am hyper-actively engaged in. It works, somewhat, and for the few moments of sanity it affords me, I'm deeply grateful.

In the past month, my parents have lost so much cognitive ground that I know I probably sport a "deer in the headlights" expression on  my face because even though I'm witnessing every terrifying intonation of Mom and Dad's profound dementia, it still startles the living heck out of me.

This is where I must first and foremost tip my hat off to Lower Cape Fear Hospice because if our team of angels were not holding my hand during this phase of deterioration, I wouldn't be able to function or face any of this. Our incredible nurse Olga, CNA's Patti and Teresa and my own personal angel, Social Worker Kim, help me find the courage to face each new day and whatever terrors it may hold. They dole out showers, shaves, physical check ups and active listening with a compassion that never fails to give me more courage for whatever the next day holds.

I'm not going to even pretend I'm not exhausted because I am. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Summer has always been my most favorite time of year but this summer will go down has one of the most challenging seasons of my life. I have to work really hard to summon the joy that summer has always afforded me because watching two of my favorite people fade away right before my eyes is heartbreaking. I don't know how I'll look back on this period in my life, but for right now, it's painful.

And yet, there have been some sparkling moments that have shown up unexpectedly, completely out of the darkness. My dad has always been a big fan of Chrysler Minivans. With all due respect to Chrysler and minivans, I've never been a fan. When we finally convinced my dad a few years ago to give up his car keys, he titled his 2006 minivan, with all of 30,000 miles on it, over to me. I didn't celebrate because it was never a car I cared to own but for insurance purposes, I titled it in my name and tried to pretend I was driving something else. This past May my buddy John, sensing my disdain for the white mess, suggested I drive a car he had restored to practically "show room" new. It's a 2001 Lincoln Town Car and yes, it's HUGE, but it drives like a dream and the back seat comfortably accommodates my 110 pound Newfoundland mix Cleo and the front seat is a favorite spot for the more diminutive Cairn Terrier mix Sailor. To be honest, nervous driver that I am, I feel safer navigating a big car than a small one and so I started driving the Lincoln and felt quite comfortable and safe on the wild, tourist filled roads of Wilmington. I must admit the leather seats, impressive cooling system and bells and whistles are a lot more inviting than the minivan and I actually enjoy driving around in it. Hey, I could always be an Uber driver in this car because it's a lot like the transportation I take from La Guardia into Manhattan when I visit Katie, John and those adorable twins.

After a few weeks, John made me a proposition; he offered to trade me the Lincoln for the minivan - straight up, declaring he could strip the van and use it as a work vehicle and I would no longer have to look at it in my driveway. I was stunned and excited...and then, as we got closer to making the trade official, I was blindsided by a wave of guilt and sentimentality. Every time I would go to clean out my belongings from the van, I'd feel a wave of imagined retribution, as if I was somehow betraying my Dad by removing the last vehicle he would ever drive. I'd rifle around the compartments of the van and see the legal pad he faithfully kept of the mileage, gas refills, trips he made and recorded in his shaky handwriting, run across his ziplock bag of pipe cleaners, toothpicks and matches and before I could go any further, I felt wracked with guilt. The miserable minivan may have been titled in my name, but I could feel my dad's presence all over it. I became static - unable to move forward with the trade. John most kindly allowed my delays at heading over to the DMV because I believe he sensed I was involved in some kind of internal tug of war. He didn't push me and for that I'm grateful.

One evening, about three weeks ago, I caught my Dad looking over the padlocked back gate and when I walked over to him, I asked him what he was doing?

"Who does that car belong to?", he asked. I explained it was our friend John's and that he'd left it here for me to test drive. I then asked him if he'd like to see inside of it, to which he eagerly agreed.

I took my Dad's hand and walked him through to the house and unlocked the side door and slowly helped him into the passenger side of the Lincoln.

"Wow, this is fancy. This is a really nice car!"

I asked him if he'd like to take a little ride in it and he said yes. I belted him in and backed out of the driveway and drove around a few streets in the neighborhood. He "ooohhhhhed" and "ahhhhhhed" over the smooth ride, the thick comfortable seats and unblemished interior. "This is a really nice car, Susan! And he's letting you drive this for free?".

I screwed up my courage and said, "Daddy, John said he'd like to trade me this car for the minivan. What do you think about that?"

Dad studied for a minute and then asked, "How much would you need to pay him extra?" I told him John wanted to do a straight up trade - wouldn't cost me a dime. Dad was incredulous. "You mean you wouldn't have to pay anything extra?" I assured him that I wouldn't - it would just be a matter of paperwork and changing insurance.  He was quiet for a few seconds and then leaned back and said, "Well, you better go call him right now and tell him YES before he changes his mind!" I asked him again if he thought this was a good deal and he said, "Oh yes, call him right now and tell him yes!".

I can't even tell you what my dad's response meant to me. It was like some really heavy chains broke and I suddenly felt free to get rid of that stupid minivan. In fact, I didn't truly realize how encumbered I'd felt until he said those words.

We pulled back into the driveway, and I helped Dad out of the car and walked with him around the Lincoln, raised the hood and showed him the motor, not that either one of us could truly identify many of the parts, but it looked impressive. I had him sit in the backseat which is a lot like sitting on a huge comfy leather sofa and he just shook his head and said, "And John wants to make an even trade?". I reconfirmed that he did. "Go call that man and tell him yes!".

I walked daddy back in the house and he went in his room and I heard him regale my Mom with his little adventure in that nice big car. She had no idea we'd left the driveway but she doesn't tend to move out of her chair after dinner so I knew we would be safe taking a quick tour. Twenty minutes later, he was still bragging on his ride and I had to smile as I heard him tell her how nice it was.

I climbed the stairs and called my buddy John and told him I would meet him at the DMV any day the next week to make it official. I then explained how I'd become paralyzed by getting rid of the last car my dad would ever drive and apologized for taking so long to complete the trade. As usual, John was understanding and kind and said, "Not a problem at all. Glad it worked out.". What a friend.

I know that might sound crazy, such a love/hate relationship with my dad's car and finding it hard to let go, but the truth is that in the last few months I've lost so much of the true essence of my Mom and Dad that I couldn't control, that when it came time to proactively make a change, I found myself stumbling and dragging my feet.

Letting go is a tough business. In these long, hot days of the summer of 2015, I'm losing so much that is preciously near and dear to me. Most days I don't believe my parents really know that I'm their daughter. Oh, they are polite and affable, and they know I'm the source of their meals, meds and I'm definitely the "go to" person who straightens out the television when my Mom pushes the wrong button on the remote some twenty times a day, and the expert on dialing the phone on the rare occasions my dad tries to make a call to his sister in West Virginia, but as for truly knowing I'm their daughter, I don't honestly believe they have a clue. I'm "Susan", but not their "Susan". I think that's because their "Susan" is something like 8 years old and engages in dangerous pursuits such as swimming in the pool past dusk and walking outside with the dogs in the backyard after dark. My Mom has identified me as her coworker, good friend, neighbor and nice lady but as for believing I'm their kid, no way.

It is what it is. I'm grateful for what I've had and those angels among us (great friends, family and of course Lower Cape Fear Hospice) who are helping all three of us as we make our way through this huge transition.

One of the biggest challenges is fear. Ambiguity. I know what the end game will be, but it's stressful to wonder how that will play out and what it will look like. Those thoughts can really mess with your head and it's a lot of work keeping fear at bay. I'll be honest, I don't really want to see anyone die - who does? The expectation of the imminence of death casts a thick, smothering pall but I do my best to swat it away. Some days I'm better at it than other days and again, remembering to take it all one day at a time is the best defense.

There's a gazillion lessons in this situation and I'm sure a lot of them will not be known until this is finished. Until then...I take advantage of every chance I get to grab Cleo and Sailor, crank up the Lincoln, turn on the iPod to the B-52's "Love Shack" and smile as we run what I call "micro-errands" if for no other reason to grab an iced tea at Smithfields.

And then, there's this. As sad as it is to watch two people you love lose their abilities, faculties and all that goes with it, I'm grateful that I am allowed the privilege of watching my ten and a half month old granddaughter, Evelyn, learn how to feed herself, grab for my face, pull my hair and burrow her head into my arms when she's ready for a nap. How amazing is that? I'm living in the middle of a crazy circle of life. I'm the Nana to three incredibly precious granddaughters all under the age of one who are learning their way through the first year of their lives and it's just beyond imaginable. As nuts as my present circumstances sometimes are, I have to remind myself that life is springing up all around me in these three precious gifts. Evelyn dazzles me, charms me and makes me laugh often. My hearts sometimes feels as if it will burst from the miracle that she is. I check Instagram several times a day for photos of my NYC granddaughters and before I go to sleep at night, I look at those images and no matter what else might have gone down in my day, I am entranced by these new lives. All three little girls are coming into their own. 

I had to giggle as I woke up this morning - after spending the day with Evelyn yesterday, she'd left her little toy "Minion" in my bed so this morning I woke up to the "ha ha" of this tiny toy...an amusing reminder that life DOES go on and goes on well. 

How can I not feel blessed?

Hospice Referrals Uncover Daughter Denial

My parents had doctor appointments this past Tuesday. Taking my 90 and 91 year old "twins" to the doctor is what I imagine it feels like to run a "mini-marathon". In addition to the patients, there's a walker, cane and two wobbly folks to navigate into the behemoth of Wilmington Health Associates. Upon entering the waiting room, I seated my parents and went up to the desk to check them in. They both remarked what a lovely building it was and swore they'd never been there before. It is a lovely building but they'd probably been there about 40 or 50 times in the last few years however, according to them, this was their first visit.

In no time at all, we were called back for weights and vitals and then we followed the kind nurse to an examination room where we waited just a few short minutes for Dr. Babiss. She soon appeared with her usual sweet smile and kind manner and greeted all three of us warmly. Mom and Dad smiled but were mostly non communicative, choosing instead to hold each others hand. This wasn't lost on Dr. B and she motioned for me to move closer so that we could chat. She wanted to know how they were doing...really.

I revealed that probably most of the time my mother doesn't really know me and is positive she is visiting from West Virginia, where she firmly believes she still has a home. She rarely moves from the chair in her room and most of the time she seems to be in a daze.  As for my Dad, he's begun to wander, but quite selectively. If I'm home, which I am 99.9% of the time, he stays in their bedroom but if I announce that I must run to the store, he immediately grabs that opportunity to do things like walk out back and head for the pool shed, amble around the front yard or, in the case of this past Monday when I made a mad dash for Harris Teeter to pick up dinner, he'd taken a 100' extension cord from the front porch and had it stretched out in a most interesting configuration right where I usually park. I jumped out of the car and asked him what he was doing? "I'm taking care of this cord - it was rolled up on the front porch," he matter of factly reported. When I asked why, he just shrugged his shoulders. I asked him about his promise to me that he would stay inside with Mom while I was out of the house and he said he had no memory of making such a promise. Oy veh! I might as well been talking to the extension cord he was playing with and twirling around. I grabbed the cord and quickly wound it up and put it in the garage so I could pull the van up to the house. Puzzled but nonplussed, he simply shook his head and toddled inside.

I told Dr. Babiss that the wandering was becoming worse each day and I'd noticed that as the afternoon transitioned into evening, he was exhibiting agitation and restlessness. Door locks are checked dozens of times as he makes an endless loop from the front door to the side door to the sliding glass doors. In fact, he generally doesn't stop this until I physically lead him back to his room and faithfully assure him that the house is secure and locked tighter than a drum. Even then, I don't think he quite believes me.

Dr. Babiss tried to engage both of them in some conversation but it was futile. I attempted to assist by asking Mom to tell Dr. B who had visited us last week. My Mom thought for a minute and then said, "I don't remember". I pulled up a photo on my iPad of my Mom holding my daughter and son in law's twin babies with Katie standing on one side of the chair Mom was sitting in on and me on the other. My mom smiled at the photo but had no recollection whatsoever of the visit or anything connected to it.

...sigh...

After explaining what our lives were like, Dr. Babiss very kindly told me it was time to get some help and she told me she was referring both of them to hospice. She apologized for not having suggested it sooner but there was no doubt in her mind that it was definitely time.

Upon hearing this, hearing that I would be receiving some help, extra hands, readily available resources, I was nothing short of ecstatic. I was thrilled. She finished up the exams by listening to my parents hearts, retaking their blood pressures and warmly patting them on their arms. They returned her smiles. 

When it came time to check out at the desk, thinking we would be setting another 6 month appointment, the woman who takes care of these things explained that as we were being referred to hospice, they would most probably take over my parents' medical care, prescriptions and all that goes with it. It didn't quite register at that moment, but my initial happiness at expecting care assistance developed a tiny crack. I was too busy to dwell on it at that moment as I had to walk with my parents to the lab for a brief bloodletting. 

When I returned home and helped my parents navigate the steps to enter the house, I put their dinner out, made coffee and then went outside to think about all that had taken place. I still felt very pleased that we now had hospice referrals, but what I didn't realize, didn't count on, was the almost imperceptible sinking feeling that was beginning to trickle into my heart. I couldn't identify it, but there was this quiet heaviness that was invading my body.

When I woke up the next morning, the tiny trickle of dread had somehow, overnight, turned into a full on flood and it hit me square between the eyes...actually in the eyes because I was crying and it took my mind a few minutes to catch up with my tear ducts and identify the cause.

Hospice. That word. Initially I didn't tie it to the concept of "final phase". Though it was difficult initially to accept that my Mom didn't seem to know me most of the time, and that my Dad couldn't remember where we lived before we moved to Wilmington or who our neighbors are or where the milk is kept, I'd made my peace with those deficits without even realizing it and apparently I'd just assigned it to aging but not to an end. 

It's sort of like I "knew", but I didn't "know". I went from feeling grateful for incoming help to thinking, Oh My God...this sh*t just got real and it's a double dose of real. Crap - I just wanted help, assistance, a respite, I didn't want to think about death or end stages or continued rapid digression. No, no, no, I just asked for the "help" part. Thinking back to my incredulity of a few hours ago - I can't help but marvel at how brilliantly our minds can construct barriers and vast "mental moats" to keep us from accepting the cold hard facts of life. I mean, honestly, did I think they were going to go on forever and believe Mom and Dad were just drop a few cognitive abilities here and there but still be present and accounted for?

Apparently I did. 

I called an emergency lunch with my dear sweet Sharon and over Italian comfort food at the O.C., she held my hand and walked me through my sadness and helped me make some sense of it. Additionally, she has offered to be with me when hospice comes to meet with us on Friday - I don't often ask for help but I grabbed at her offer because I need another pair of ears in case mine shut off. 

I have no idea what to expect because we're on a new trail and my internal gps must be reconfigured. I'm treading water right now and I can do that until I'm given my coordinates. I'm sure I'll be given some good direction tomorrow afternoon.

In the meantime, we carry on. However, I find myself dropping tears all over the place. My mind is a million different places and I feel just a little disoriented but that's OK. I don't like this part of the program but my good friend Bobbi has told me there will be beautiful parts during this stage and she's never lied to me or lead me astray. She's personally been over this course a few times and I trust her. I am buoyed by so many messages from my social media friends who are reaching out and texting and messaging me courage and strength. It's huge and it steadies me. My Cleo and Sailor seem to intuitively know that we're heading for some heavy weather and they are literally circling ever closer to me. Thank God for my faithful furry family. 

I guess I shouldn't be too shocked - my parents have always made it a point to do EVERYTHING together - so the prospect of dual hospice referrals really shouldn't come as a huge surprise. They are inseparable.

I'm not sure what the road ahead looks like, but I'll find out sooner rather than later and until then, to quote James Taylor, "I know now, love is all that matters in these days...".

We'll be ok.